Archive for Humor

Weird Video of the Week

Posted in Animation, Death, Poetry, Uncategorized, Weird Videos with tags , , , , , , on October 10, 2014 by Stephanie Selby

This week our delve into the creepy part of YouTube takes us to a whimsical animated list of all kinds of things that will kill you. Someone working for CollegeHumor is very talented! Have a great weekend!

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Dead Air Part 3

Posted in Creepypasta, Death, Fantasy, Fiction, Ghosts, Short Stories with tags , , , , , , , on April 22, 2014 by Stephanie Selby

I was unnerved by his attitude, but kept my composure. “I’m very sorry sir, I’m having some difficulty hearing you so you’ll have to speak up. How can I help you today?”

At first there was nothing I could really make out aside from some strange whispering, but finally the same deep voice began to speak. “Do you believe in evil?”

“Yes…” I answered, somewhat confused. “Is there anything I could help you with?”

“It’s good that you do. I’ve been trying to contact the outside world for some time now with little success. You could certainly help me with getting out of this retched place.”

While the anger in this man’s voice had scared me at first, his newfound relaxed tone was surprisingly warm and charming. His vocabulary and confidence left me with the impression that he was intelligent and articulate. Even though I still had no idea what he wanted, he left me with a little hope that this call would be over soon. Intelligent people are so much easier to deal with.

“So let me see if I understand you correctly,” I said, trying to make my voice sound less tentative than I felt. “You’re stuck or trapped somewhere very unpleasant, and choose to call your wireless provider for help? Where are you? Are you locked in a room or perhaps a basement?”

“Think deeper, my dear,” the voice said. “I’ve been trying to contact anyone with a pulse for eons now, through all kinds of means,” he explained. “It’s not easy contacting the living from another plane of existence, especially in the way communication has changed in the last century or so.”

Now I was wondering if I had some kind of crank-caller on my line. The center doesn’t get too many of these types of people, and this would be my first experience with one. My mind raced to figure out how I could get this idiot to hang up as soon as possible. He was wasting my time and there was no way for me to hang up on him or call him out on his bullshit. Another addition to the long list of rules for working here.

I didn’t even want to think about the possibility that he could be insane. That was something that I really had no clue how to deal with.

“Sir, if you’re having some kind of emergency I recommend hanging up and calling 911-”

“Don’t hang up on me again!” the caller screamed, it was so loud that I jumped in my chair and my ears began to ring. My visible shock made my neighbors in their small cubicles stare at me in confusion. I smiled and nodded silently to assure them I was alright and still in control of my call. No way was I going to let them think I couldn’t handle it. I quickly began talking again in order to regain some sense of control.

“Sir I realize that you’re in some sort of predicament, but this center is intended to assist our wireless customers. If you are a customer, I can help manage your account or troubleshoot problems with your phone. If you’re trapped or stuck somewhere, there’s not much I can do to resolve that problem. Your best bet is to contact your local authorities.”

A Special Story

Posted in Family, Humor, Short Stories, Weird Videos with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 1, 2014 by Stephanie Selby

I don’t normally post videos on Tuesdays, but today I’ll make an exception. This is a story from my father. He always loves to tell this one around a campfire full of friends and loved ones. In fact, this is the first campfire story he told me as a child! Enjoy.

 

 

Yeah, dear old Dad was a troll long before it was a thing… Happy April Fools!

Dead Air: Part 2

Posted in Ghosts, Short Stories, Supernatural with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2014 by Stephanie Selby

Read part one here.

“Hello, thank you for calling customer service. How can I help you today?” I repeated. We’re always supposed to give a caller ample time to reply.

Still nothing.

“I’m very sorry, but unfortunately I’m unable to hear you at this time and I will have to release the call. You can always call customer service again if you have any further questions. Have a nice day.”

With the press of the release button, I disconnected the call and that should have been the end of it.

Time is of the essence in a call center. It just a few seconds, I was ready to take care of the next customer to contact us. When it did, you can only imagine my surprise when I recognized the number: the same one as before.

In all my time working at my call center, this is the only time this has ever happened. No one I know of has ever talked to the same customer twice. With the number of people who call in, the number of agents here, and at other call centers around the country, the chances of speaking with the very same person on the same day are so astronomical it’s almost impossible to occur. Not only was this caller able to beat those odds, but also manage to contact me again right away.

For a few moments I sat there in stunned silence, unable to say anything. I quickly managed to pull myself together and once again begin my regular opening.

“Thank you for calling customer service. How can I help you today?” I asked again.

No reply. There wasn’t even any background noise to make out.

“Thank you for calling customer service. How can I help you today?” I repeated. I began to wonder if there was some kind of strange glitch on my phone or in our system.

I continued, “I’m very sorry, but unfortunately I’m unable to hear you at this time and I will have to release-”

“Don’t hang up on me again,” a deep voice interrupted. It was barely audible and perhaps to the untrained ear indiscernible, but it was loud enough for me to make it out. For what I could tell, the voice was male and sounded angry.

Dead Air

Posted in Ghosts, Humor, Short Stories, Supernatural, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 5, 2014 by Stephanie Selby

I should start by saying that I work in a call center for a major wireless company. I won’t be naming which one it is, but I will say it is a major carrier. When you call in with questions about your bill or changing your service plan, you’re talking to people like me.

I know how that sounds – and yes – there are definitely more glamorous jobs in the world, but it’s the way I get my bills paid. It sure beats the hell out of working in a retail store.

The difficult thing about working in customer service is people aren’t calling because everything’s fine and happy – they’re calling because they’re ticked off about some problem they’re having with their service. Most upset people take it out on the poor grunt on the other end, and it can take a lot of skill to calm someone over the phone. An agent will burn out in no time if they don’t know how to handle it. Those who have worked here a long time have their ways of dealing with all the frustration.

The most common method is to see the humor in it all. Agents will find they can look back at many of their most stressful or upsetting calls, and laugh about it later. There are a ton of hilarious calls that are saved within our system that we use to help teach new agents. There are callers who have made strange, animalistic shouts and yells in their anger, amazing insults that will impress even the most cynical, and of course the few lewd callers with weird fetishes. We laugh at all these people for their ridiculous behavior and pathetic attempts to get us down.

However there is one call in my experience that still chills me each time it comes to mind. It’s become something of a legend amongst my coworkers and me; a call that no one in our center can explain with any certainty.

It happened very early on a Saturday morning; just past four o’clock. Our center runs 24/7, so there’s always a graveyard shift running for the handful of late-night callers looking for some troubleshooting or emergency support. A lot of our more interesting calls come in at times like this, and that night was no exception.

I had already been working for about two hours before I got that strange call. Before then there had been nothing out of the ordinary: a guy that needed to update his iPhone to fix some texting problems, a woman who was upset about overage charges on her bill, and a bunch of people asking to defer their bills for later in the week. All of these issues are very mundane, routine stuff.

I nearly had to wait five whole minutes to receive that fateful call. When it did come in, I could tell that the number was quite distinctive. It was all a bunch of sixes.

I found the number odd, but I’m no a believer in demonic adversaries, so I remained unfazed. “Hello, thank you for calling customer service. How can I help you today?” I said. This is how I always begin a call. It’s become such a habit; I could do this all in my sleep.

This time however I was met with no reply. No muffled talking or jostling sounds either, just complete silence. A dead air call.

This may seem strange to you, but it actually happens all the time. Sometimes people accidentally call our customer service line when their phone is in their pocket, or maybe their toddler started playing with the buttons. They’re also known as ‘ghost’ calls, and I get at least one of them a day.

Read part two here.

Apaches: A Disturbing PSA

Posted in Children, Dark, Death, Uncategorized, Weird Videos with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2013 by Stephanie Selby

As you can see, I decided to take a short departure from the creepypasta and introduce you all to a little film that bewilders and disturbs. The British appear to have a long and proud history of making the most disturbing public information films (their term for PSAs) known to man. Brits, when you leave me wondering what the heck is wrong with all you people – believe me – that’s saying something. That’s not to say that it’s a bad thing, but I am taking notes!

Their talents for scaring the hell out of people is also visited on children, as evidenced by the subject of today’s post. Apaches is a public information film for children, showing them the dangers of playing on farms. Have yourself a look and we’ll discuss!

Alright, you may be laughing, you may be unnerved, you may be both, but you have to admit that Apaches is pretty unique. Who knew that kids dying on farms was such a problem? Sure it’s sad, but the filmmakers took the wrong approach to this problem.

The characters take some large illogical leaps in order to shuffle off the mortal coil. Honestly it feels a little surreal to me, and sometimes pretty funny. Still, death is a heavy subject to handle, so let’s lighten the mood by pointing out how this kind of stupidity could never occur in real life.

#1. Death by Tractor (Kim)

So the kids go against their natural instinct to avoid large moving vehicles and try to take the tractor through a mock show of force. Standing on a moving vehicle isn’t such a great idea either, considering the results. Also, doesn’t it seem strange that the farmer isn’t bothered by the fact that these kids are trespassing on his property? Let alone climbing onto a moving tractor! If it were me driving, I’d slam on the breaks so fast those kids would probably run into that flatbed.

#2. Death by Cow Shit

I believe that this is arguably the worst type of death ever put to film. To drown in the most disgusting, nastiest waste imaginable is a fate I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Actually, I recall reading somewhere that it’s usually the fumes that do a person in, rather than a simple drowning. That fact brings up a good point though, the smell alone would deter all but the most steadfast of us. What kid would want to play anywhere near a huge, stinky pit of cow manure? You’d think they’d avoid that spot like the plague.

#3 Death by Poison (Sharon)

This death is face-palm worthy. Little girl, didn’t you JUST suggest pretending to drink that fluid, rather than slurping it down? How the heck could you forget that ten seconds later? Not to mention these kids suspected it was rat poison anyway. Last time I checked, kids aren’t that crazy to knowingly play with poison. Heads are reeling at the local poison control center because of what you did to yourself.

#4 Death by Gate

There’s not too much to say about this death, other than it’s the most plausible one in the film. Gates like that can be heavy, and one of the bars fell directly on his head. Although, at this point I’m just left wondering why these kids keep coming back to play on the property where three of their friends died.

#5 Death by Stupid (Danny)

Another tractor-related one, but I’m just calling it sheer stupid because that damn farmer gave the kid permission to play on a LARGE FARMING VEHICLE! Is this farmer suffering from sheer stupidity or memory loss? Likely both. The boy is not absolved of responsibility either. Does he have a death wish? Why ask to play with something like that when four of you friends just died for similar reasons? That tractor wasn’t moving that fast either, he could have jumped off before it fell down that steep incline!

While that is the last of the deaths, it it not the last of the points I have to make! Considering how traumatic loosing a friend can be, why do these kids keep playing on the same freaking farm? You’d think after the third one they be so traumatized that they would never want to step foot in such a place ever again.

This scenario could never happen in the real world, because real people have something called memory, as well as the ability to learn. After such an accident, real kids would probably put two and two together and realize playing around farming equipment is a pretty bad idea. Real parents would lock their kids in their bedrooms until eighteen if they found out they were trespassing and playing where they could get hurt. Real farmers would tell kids to get off their property and prevent such accidents from occurring, lest they suffer the consequences. In the real world, the whole freaking community would be up in arms about losing five local children and be doing whatever possible to make sure such a tragedy never happened again. The first thing they’d do would be to punish the farmer for his negligence. I’m sure the parents would sue him for everything he’s worth.

I suppose that’s the problem with most PSAs though; they’re so concerned about scaring and warning the public that such advertisements tend to be over-dramatic and unrealistic. A scary PSA must keep a balance that’s difficult to maintain. So difficult in fact that most don’t pull it off. They become like this film: dark, yet unintentionally funny.

So who among you was traumatized by this film as children? Feel free to tell your story!

Halloween Extravaganza!

Posted in Halloween, Music, Poetry, Uncategorized, Weird Videos with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2013 by Stephanie Selby

It seems I must apologize again for the recent lack of posts. The Halloween season is a pretty insane time for me and I’ve found it engulfed by costumes, parties, haunted houses, and work. In any case, I hope that this little surprise on the creepiest day of the year will make up for my absence. I’ve actually gotten around to making videos of my own! Please enjoy and have a happy Halloween!

As an added bonus, here are some Halloween-theme songs from my childhood. Pretty goofy but still fun.